Daimon Publishers
This book, originally published in 1982 in German, was translated without alteration into English in 1988. The original character of the book has been preserved although a great many additional thoughts on the subject of mourning have occurred to me over the years. A supplementary text dealing with the nature of relationships and related processes associated with separation has already appeared in English in The Nature of Loving: Patterns of Human Relationship (Chiron Publications, Wilmette, Illinois, 1986), and a further investigation into the distinction between depressive reactions and reactions of grief is in progress.
This investigation into the significance of mourning in the therapeutic process became a matter of pressing importance for me through my practical work as a psychotherapist. In the course of the last ten years, it again and again struck me in the treatment of many depressive illnesses that loss experiences had been too little mourned. It seemed clear that they could be an additional factor contributing to depressive illness.
The taboo surrounding death has been lifted in recent years. It is now 'permissible' to speak of dying. It seems to me that the time has come to also lift the taboo surrounding mourning: we may and we should mourn. Indeed, Freud wrote as early as 1915 about the great value of the "work of mourning" - the term originates from him. Nevertheless, the great influence which grief has on our psychic health is not in proportion to the rather scant attention paid to it in the literature of psychology.
For a period of ten years, I gathered material on this subject, dream material in particular; on the basis of this material, I will try to illustrate systematically the way in which the unconscious prompts us to deal with mourning. I have set out my own observations in relationship to the results described in the more recent literature.
The following factors were of the greatest importance in my investigations:
- Because we perceive ourselves in a fundamental way in terms of relationships to others and because bonds are an essential part of the way we perceive ourselves and the world, these perceptions will be severely shaken by the death of a loved one. Grief is the emotion through which we take leave and deal with problems in the now collapsed relationship. Through mourning we can integrate as much as possible of this relationship and the partner in ourselves in order to be able to go on living with a new self-perception and in a new relationship to the world.
- From our dreams we receive valuable guidance in the task of mourning, which I try to illustrate by means of a dream series. Consideration of current literature on the phases of mourning has led me to make some modifications in my own point of view.
- Each of the phases of mourning presents special difficulties to be surmounted. Using practical examples from my therapeutic work, I shed some light on these difficulties.
- The need to linger in a symbiosis stands in opposition to the need to separate. In extreme cases this longing causes a long-term fusion with the deceased. I propose the hypothesis that the rhythm of symbiosis and individuation is essential not only for the small child, but for the adult as well. It seems to me to be important that the symbiosis between individuals is succeeded by a relationship to something transcendent.
- The death of a loved one is an extreme experience of death which requires radical mourning. At the same time, this event is an enormous challenge to the individual to develop his own potential when confronted with change. Mourning can lead to greater self-realization. What is true in this extreme situation might also hold true, though in a less radical form, in many other human situations - situations in which it will be seen that death is always present in our lives, again and again demanding greater or lesser changes coupled with feelings of loss which therefore must also be mourned. Because we are mortal, we must exist in the "readiness to take leave." We are bound to sadness and pain and to the possibility of having to repeatedly rebuild our lives and also to unfold new potential as individuals as a result of the many leave-takings. In this respect, mourning is indispensable.
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Daimon Publishers